In The Beginning...
It all started…..actually I don’t know when it started. I am not sure I can pinpoint it…it may have started when our oldest daughter came out to us as Bi-Sexual. Or maybe when my mom died suddenly in a car accident after we had finally found reconciliation. Maybe in the excruciating process of losing a very special young man to his mental illness. Or perhaps it began as early as the first moment I realized the value of a relationship with Christ. Perhaps, it has been a part of my faith walk all along, but only in the past few years have I been able to perceive it, step into it and embrace it.
It is my journey of DECONSTRUCTION.
Maybe you have heard that world floating around Christian circles for a while, or perhaps you have never heard it and you have no clue what this blog post will even be about. Either way, that’s OK. I hope you can take a few minutes and just lean into this with me.
I sometimes wonder if this path is less complicated for me because I didn’t grow up in the world of church and religion. I only began learning about faith and Jesus in my early twenties. Perhaps it makes it easier for me because my BS (belief systems) don’t go quite as deep into my psyche as those who have had biblical teaching from their formative years. If that is you, and you are someone who has been taught about scripture and Jesus since you were a child, this series might be a tough one to swallow. I want to honour that in you. I see you. It’s OK if this is uncomfortable for you. Embrace it. See what God might do with the internal squirm you feel. I had that at first too.
I have followed Jesus for 20 years now. It has been a journey. Up and down and complicated and painful and full of joy and revelation. And when I say “follow” Jesus, I don’t mean I just went to church on Sundays. I mean that I have jumped into a relationship with him with both feet and off the deep end. I decided early on in my life with Jesus that I wanted him to have all of me. It has always been imperfect, as I am human and flawed, but it has always been intimate and sincere. I allowed myself to go to deep places with Christ. It has often been uncomfortable and challenging. I have let him get into my deep places. The dark pockets of my heart that have been hard to share with even my husband.
Jesus has been allowed to get in my business. Even though most of the time it hurt and was disturbing and uncertain.
I let him in. Sometimes reluctantly, sometimes with fear and trembling.
I dug into scripture and have made a lifelong goal of learning. I read oodles of books on the subject of faith and the bible and leadership and love.
The deeper I have gotten into my walk with Jesus, the more complicated it seemed to get.
I would hear people say things like “scripture is clear on this subject…..” and I thought to myself, “No, I don’t think it is….”
I started to see Christians post things on social media about how God truly feels about certain life styles or life choices or clothing and I thought to myself….did God really say….?
I started to feel like this common God that people seemed to be sharing and talking about didn’t quite fit the God I was building this deep relationship with.
I started seeking out books and podcasts and blogs that might help me sort out these thoughts. I realized I am not alone in this process and there is a whole culture of people who are in the same process I am in. And it was a world called “Deconstruction”.
It is a journey of relearning and rewiring our thoughts about how God sees us and how he sees the world and sin. Tearing down old structures and patterns of how we interpret scripture and how we process “truth”. It isn’t this black and white, right and wrong, rules and regulations journey that most of us believers seem to think it is.
It is much simpler and much more complicated that that.
I am working on this series-the story of my deconstruction and I hope you will journey along with me.
I will be posting once a week, sharing my heart, my discoveries and my struggles in this process. The ways I am allowing God to break down some old patterns, to pull off some ill fitting ideas and remake my faith into something deeper, stronger and sturdier than before. However, I don’t fully know what this new understanding will look like or how it will direct me.
If this resonates with you or you have questions, please send me some DM’s. I hope this can be an ongoing discussion! I am eager to talk about this, and I am believing some of you do as well.
I admit it’s scary and unknown. There is such a deep mystery in this journey of following and knowing Christ. Let’s walk it out together.